Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Smack Talk 101, Part 3: Compare and Contrast

Welcome to the third installment of the Smack Talk 101, Compare and Contrast. This is a very good offensive move that is sure to get some good jabs at your buddies.

Let's say Peyton Manning and I are hanging out, which we do pretty often :-). And I'm walking out back to......... I don't know smoke a joint or fly a space shuttle or whatever else I do in this crazy fantasy world I'm in. And I say "Hey Peyt (my nickname for him), throw me a beer". So he tosses one, and it lands about 10 feet from where I am. As a quick on my feet smack talker, I decide to move in for the "compare and contrast" diss: "Man, Eli would NEVER have missed that one". POW, right in the kisser. Simple, and immedeitely get's the point across.

This simple technique works best if you compare/contrast them with competitors, siblings, or enemies.

Need another example?? I know you don't, but here's one anyway. Let's say my STAUNCH republican friend and I are hanging out, and he says, "Hey man, I forgot my wallet, can you spot me $20 for some crack?". My response is "Sure Obama, let me just pay for everything for you!!". Boom, right in the five hole.

Get it? Got it? Good!


Douchebag of the Week Segment 1

Hello there, and welcome to the FIRST segment of The Random Crap Blog, Douchebag of the Week.

Since there isn't any real current news that's very douchy, I have chosen: Mike Score from Flock of Seagulls.

In a not so recent interview, he stated his EXTREME dislike for having to play the famous (and the only) hit "I Ran". I think his exact words were something like: "I hate playing that song, I hate when it even gets requested".

If you don't remember it, well first of all welcome to the United States, I hope you enjoy your stay. Second of all, it's the one that goes: "And I ran....... I ran so far away....... couldn't get way....... SEE!! I knew you'd remember it.

I believe that's called "Biting the Hit that feeds you", you funky haired asshole! Not only would you not be doing this very interview, but you'd be flipping burgers at McDonald's if it wasn't for this ONE AND ONLY Flock of Seagulls song that isn't total crap with a side of shit.

So Mike Score, congratulations. Not only is this the first time in about 25 years anyone has talked about you, but you also won the very FIRST Random Crap Blog Douchebag of the Week award.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Even More Crap!!!

Hello there my Blogworld friends! In an effort to keep all you crazy followers of mine EVEN MORE informed, I've decided to add TWO new segments to the Random Crap Blog.

In addition to my "Ask Jules" column, and my informative blogs, I've now added "Douche Bag of the Week" on Tuesdays, and "Funny Word of the Week" on Thursdays.

If you would like to nominate a Douche Bag or Funny Word, or have any questions for the "Ask Jules" column, OR are just dying for another informative blog, get a hold of me any which way you can!!

OR............... if you have any other ideas for the Random Crap Blog, I'd love to hear em!!


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Smack Talk 101, Part Two: Beat Em To the Punch

Welcome to chapter two of my Smack Talk 101, Beat Em To the Punch. This is a very important chapter, and should be read only once, but re read MANY times (think about it). It's definitely the most important chapter of the "defensive moves" chapters, and possibly the most important of all 5 chapters.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing a fellow smack talker conjuring up a diss in his head, only to be cut off at the knees by this simple move. The sheer frustration in their eyes is awesome, and BTW, this is a perfect time for a counter punch. But we'll get into that in later chapters.......

And this simple move........ is a self diss, or the "Beating them to the Punch" move. Sound confusing?? Let me give you an example:

Say a buddy and I are meeting up for lunch, I mention to him, "Hey man, did you catch Grey's Anatomy last night?" Now I know for a fact he's setting up a "you're gay" diss in his head, but he's waiting for the right time to throw it. So then he goes in for the setup: "Wait........... you watch Grey's Anatomy?????" And then I crush his dream with my answer, "Well yeah, I'm gay". And you can see his eyes droop like I just told him I slept with his wife. Because now, he either repeats what I just said and looks like a total idiot, or he has to sit back and look for another opening.

Need another?:

"Damn Jim, did you buy ANOTHER new car??" "Yeah ......... I'm addicted to debt, you didn't know that??".

"Hey Don, aren't you going to the poker game?" "No my wife's got my balls, and I can't have em back till Tuesday".

You get the idea.

This simple and extremely effect tactic is like a bulletproof vest for disses.

Now I know you're all asking, "But Julian, how will I know what kind of diss is about to be thrown??" Well that.............. much like anything worth a shit takes time and a little practice. But fear not, you'll pick it up quick. Because if you're following my blog, you must be pretty sharp; and on a quest for knowledge.

Well that's it for the defensive smack talking, next is the all powerful offensive strategies. You'll love em, trust me........


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Smack Talk 101, Part One: Don't Be a Bitch

Welcome to Part One of a the Smack Talk 101 series: Don't Be a Bitch.

This is pretty self explanatory, but it still needs to be addressed. As a 24/7/365 smack talker, I dish out my fair share of disses, so of course I get more than a king's share thrown back at me. It's important that you learn to "own them". If you get a good diss thrown your way that really hits you between the eyes, all you can do is smile, and say "you asshole, you got me". Even it it kinda cuts deep, don't EVER............EVER let someone know they got to you.

Trust me, if you try to be a baby that wants to take his/her toys and go home, not only will you look like a total biotch, but you basically just slit your wrist over a shark's tank. And when they get a whiff of that blood, you're toast. Next thing you know, your crying yourself to sleep wondering what the hell just happened.

It's kinda like that Chinese finger trap, the more you resist, the more trapped you get.

So remember, if you get a good diss thrown your way, own it. Take your medicine and move on. Don't be a............ well you know.


Smack Talk 101

Has their ever been a been a better shit talker than Cassius Clay??

Yeah I didn't think so either.

In my effort to support my Hugh Jass ego, that actually thinks I have something useful to contribute to society, I've decided to post a series of articles about one of the few things I'm pretty damn good at; and that's talking smack. DAMN what a long sentence!!

Anyway, this will be a 5 part series that's guaranteed to make you better at talking smack with your friends, enemies, or anyone in between!

Smack talking, talkin shit, throwing down, whatever you wanna call it, is a delicate art. Lay it on too thick, and you'll come off as a douche bag:

Too thin, and you identify yourself as a doormat, for people to take advantage of and crap on:

But what you're looking for is the perfect combination. And I have 5 simple rules to making that happen:

Each will be discussed separately in each of the 5 installments of Smack Talk 101.

The first two are defensive, and by FAR the most important. And the last three are offensive. Those are the most fun, but are not even a close second in importance to the first two.

1. Don't be a bitch.
2. Beat them to the Punch.
3. Compare and Contrast.
4. Sarcasm is golden.
5. Talk smack without saying a word.

Look for the first installment soon.

And as always feel free to submit your questions, comments, or whatever else to me any frekin way you can!


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Monkey Knife Fight

Is there anything better than a good old fashioned Monkey Knife Fight?? I think not.

So how is everyone?? Good I hope. I'm well, thanks for asking..... well I'm sure you would if ... I ... well you know.

So I guess everyone knows about Phil winning the masters, I would say he was my second pic to win behind my number one man crush, Tiger. He's a great golfer and his wife is pretty hot too, well best I could tell with those Hugh Jass sunglasses on. So good for you Phil, you Hugh Grant look-alike you.........

Man this blog is really going no where isn't it? I really just wanted a reason to post that awesome MKF pic I found.

See ya,


Monday, April 12, 2010


I'm trying my new "post blogs from your cell phone feature"

Please post a comment if it worked!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Masters Week

For those of you that have been living under a rock, the Masters start today. Which is big every year, but this year is especially huge because the long awaited return of Mr. Tiger 99 problems and 15 bitches are one, (or 15.... whatever) is returning to golf.

I wish him well, and no matter what happens, I'm just glad to have a reason to watch golf again.

GET IN THE HOLE TIGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dear Jules, Vol. 1

Dear Jules,

One of my students told me today that she doesn't like our class because most of the kids in there are weird and annoying. I think that the class is fun, a little immature, but they laugh at my jokes and they tell funny stories to the class. I told her to lighten up a light and she said, but it is 7th hour, we should all be tired and ready to go home. What would you have said?"

Sincerely, "Uncertain how to answer teacher"

Ahhhh, the classic "Too cool for school" kid.


I'm kind of a dick, especially when a "cool kid" tries to be even cooler by making a comment like that. My first response would have been "I'm sorry, we're just not NEAR cool enough for you", in the most ass whiped, sarcastic tone you can conjure up. Not only does that isolate that douche kid from the rest of the class, but it forms a bit camaraderie between you and the other "weird and annoying" kids in the class. I don't really know if isolation is frowned upon amongst teachers, but I do it often when I need to put someone in their place.

Then I might have thrown something in like "maybe you're tired and ready to go home, but I'm still energized, being that I didn't wear myself out being a downer all day". Ya know, more of a subtle jab to get em thinking.

I call them jabs, because at the time, the person might not even really realize what you mean, but for the rest of the day, that little comment will be floating around in their head driving them nuts.

And that's when victory is yours.......................

Till next time,



What Would Julian Do?

OK maybe that's a little too sacrilegious, how bout Ask Jules??

I'm honored to say that I was asked to start an advice column. Personally, I always thought I would give pretty kick ass advice, but since I usually stick to the "mind your own damn business" mantra, I usually don't get the chance.

So here's how it works: Submit your question Via e mail, Facebook, or leave a comment on one of my posts. Put "Dear Jules", in the heading, and I'll post it on my blog. ALL POSTS will be anonymous, and if you would like your advice to be kept private, that's fine too, just mention it along with your question.

Here's my contact info, feel free to use ANY of these portals to get a hold of me:

Call/Text: 381-0993
E Mail:
Facebook, just find me.
Or leave a comment on this post, or any post for that matter.